Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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