so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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