I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
birth control should be required to get into college
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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