You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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