I'm so fucking centered right now
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
