mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She even gives head with a lisp.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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