sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
