I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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