If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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