I feel like abortions should bother me more
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
