You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
