im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm passing your future prison.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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