Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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