she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
