i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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