Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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