so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
