I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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