I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You can't motorboat a personality
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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