Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
