I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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