I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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