did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
