this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
