Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
