You smell like a Billy Joel song
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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