Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
