If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
