According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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