i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
