Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
