im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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