this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is Oprah even human
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
