Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
