Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
