I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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