i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
