i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
