I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
