please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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