using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
