Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
