We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
