Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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