WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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