I am puke
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Come on in and take your pants off
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