No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
