Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
