hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
