No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
