i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
