Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
