i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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