It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
