those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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