i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
